# Computer Problems - A joke



## Darkomen

I got a laugh out of this, hope you do too 

*Computer problems* 



"Hello, Welch Hall, computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
[Uh-Oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.] "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea prompt?"
[Uh-huh. I thought so. Let's try a different tactic.] "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen."
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
[Ah, a least he/she knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if he/she kicked out his/her monitor's power plug.] "Does your monitor have a power indicator?
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look at the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
[Sound of rustling and jostling] [Muffled] "Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
[Pause] "Yes, it is."
[Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt he/she would have accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send him/her hunting for the power switch because I don't know what kind of monitor he/she has and it's bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.] "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cable plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
[Muffled] "Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
[Still muffled] "I can't reach it."
"Uh-huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
[Clear again] "No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off and the only light I have is coming from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
A power !@#$%^&*!?!"...[AAAAAAAARGH!!!] "A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I kept them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!!!"
[Slam]


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## 4W4K3

That's pretty funny  I think I would have probably said the same thing...


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## randruff

That is funny. I love the ending.


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## 4W4K3

I jsut noticed your sig Darkomen, that is also a hilarious joke


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## dragon2309

lol, classic, really funny


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## Cromewell

There was a whole website full of these stories. http://www.phonelosers.org/tech_support.html this isn't it but they have some audio clips of tech support calls.

This isn't is either http://www.computerpranks.com/jokes/default.cfm?SubCategory1ID=32 but they have a few stories too.


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## Darkomen

HAHA awesome, those audio clips are great.


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## super_xero

heheheeh thats funny is it real


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## Darkomen

They might be, but I'm not sure

Another Joke, or rather Jokes. Yeah they aren't that great, some of them are funny though.

*Types of computer viruses* 

Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple. 

Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. 

Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years. 

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back. 

AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. 

The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus. 

Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does. 

Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years. 

Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer. 

Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem. 

Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network. 

Dan Quayle virus: Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee.. 

David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white. 

Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America. 

Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer. 

Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard. 

Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error). 

George Bush virus: Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until 2008. 

Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine. 

Jerry Brown virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number. 

Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog! 

Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run. 

Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car. 

New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it. 

Nike virus: Just Does It! 

Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder. 

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB. 

Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen. 

Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:. 

Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa Claus." 

PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money. 

Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism". 

Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback. 

Right To Life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives. 

Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits. 

Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened. 

Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor. 

Terry Randle virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message. 

Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file. 

UK Parliament virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system. 

Warren Commission virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.


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## skidude

Lol love that story man, that is awesome!


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## Geoff

hilarious, the person calling was a little quite... but was still funny.


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## diduknowthat

lol that's the problem with the general public...they dont know anything about computers. Which is why services like the geeksquad charge 30 dollars just to stick in a stick of ram!! What a ripoff!


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## MiniRatFck

thats fine with me b/c if the dont know how to stick in some RAM then they should charge a bunch


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## super_xero

lol keep them coming


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## Darkomen

These are based on true stories 





An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't 
get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer 
was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she 
pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on 
this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out 
to be the computer's mouse. 

Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her 
brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the 
unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for 
something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed 
the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?" 

Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and 
rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said 
to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk. 
When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in...." 
The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove 
Disk 1 first. 

In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions 
for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk 
from its cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically 
removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were 
problems. 

True story from a Novell NetWire Sysop: 
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" 
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" 
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my 
warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" 
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" 
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." 
Tech: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because 
I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade 
show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any 
trademark on it?" 
Caller: It came with my computer. I don't know anything about 
promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point, the Tech Rep 
had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was 
laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of 
the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive. 

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her 
printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under "Windows." 
The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is 
a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a 
window and his printer is working fine," Tech Support: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape 
keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle 
of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program 
Manager." 
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'." 
Tech: "On your keyboard, Bob." 
Customer: "What do you mean?" 
Tech: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob." 
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"


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## All Hallows Eve

I get frustrated by computer illiterate people.
I can't help it.


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## Geoff

Here is a chat with a representative from www.cyberpowersystems.com, here is the conversation:

You are now chatting with 'BOBBY'
BOBBY: Hi, this is Bobby , how can I help you today? 
BOBBY: Hi, this is Bobby , how can I help you today? 
you: hi, i have a question, i want to build a laptop but im not sure what cpu i should get, i want one thats at least 4Ghz so i can check my e-mail without lagin.\
BOBBY: that has nothing to do with the cpu, so 4 ghz is fine
you: but i noticed that you dont have a 4ghz cpu, only a 256KB one
you: and i also want to know how much ram i should get, im just going to be checking my mail, so i was thinking of at least 1GB, would that be enough?
BOBBY: checking email does not require that spped 4ghz
BOBBY: our smallest hd is 40 gb
you: well i was told that i should get at least 250gb
BOBBY: ? CHECKING email does not need that size, 
you: i must have been mis-informed, so could you tell me what i should get for checking my mail and browsing the web?
BOBBY: any pc from us can check email no problem
you: my friend wants to play games on my computer also, so do you think a celeron would be good for that?
BOBBY: for gaming, you need 4 ghz then, 
BOBBY: maybe they talking about gaming thouhg
you: they dont even make 4Ghz cpu's, unless you overclock them, so do your pc's have an unlocked multiplier and a fast fsb?
BOBBY: 3.8 or 3.6 is good enogh for check email, even a 2.8 can do that no problem
you: Ok, how are the 3.6ghz amd's? 
BOBBY: by the way, you have to concern about video card, memory, mb, and hard drive in order to complete a whole system , no tjust the cpu


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## Geoff

here are some more quotes:

BOBBY: ati 7000 , we don't have that card yet

BOBBY: amd , they go by 3000, up to 4000 , which is 3.6 to 4.0 equal to pentium,


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## skidude

How stupid are some people, I mean really...


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## houssam_ballout

really nice
go on


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## Vampiric Rouge

Haha all good stuff... I have heard that first story befroe but in the one I heard the tech told her to unplug every thing walk to the window and throw it out because she was to stupid to own a computer. I also heard that guy that said that to her lost his job. Haha funny stuff though.


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## super_xero

these people are stupid but it makes life more enjoyable listening to there stupid comments ect lol


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## Hairy_Lee

Although i find it all funny, it sometimes gets to the point where people are so stupid and lack the common sense to even breathe without thinking hard about about it that it makes me angry that they even try to use a computer without even learning the basics.


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## super_xero

yer but it shouldnt make you angry there trying to do something at least they see its verry practicall and get one thinking they can learn its like playing a game your mates are playing eg say basketball for example and you dont no the rules or how to play you just play to be part of the experience


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## Hairy_Lee

thats why i mentioned about learning... im all for people learning to use something but its when people are clearly out of their depth and just make it up as they go along that gets me going


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## super_xero

lol i guess there just trying to do it on there own o well what can you do stupid people will be stupid people people who buy computers and cant use them will be people who buy computers and cant use them lol


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## Camper

I call them INCOME


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## Ku-sama

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said :

"YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to the airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."


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## super_xero

it would of ben funny if he thought it was micro but it wasent and he crashed into a building then later on after hes coma he asked what that building was and they explaned it is AHELICOPTER hehehe


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## elmarcorulz

@ Ku-sama - LMAO, that made chuckle

@ super xero - who plays basketball for the "experience"? i play basketball, because "im a hussler baby" and 





> it would of ben funny if he thought it was micro but it wasent and he crashed into a building then later on after hes coma he asked what that building was and they explaned it is AHELICOPTER hehehe


What?!?


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## super_xero

that wasent me i left my user on my stupid mate


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## Raditz

lol. Its halarious.


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